When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
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