I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
