This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
