idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize