I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I still have a little drunk in my system
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I party with great urgency now.
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