so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Randomize