She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
