Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
