Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
