if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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