Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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