i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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