P.S. I can't hear my feet
she smelled like a LAN party
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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