HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
She bit a glass in half.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
