in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
