woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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