I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
