THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
