oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
