we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
