apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
