I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
