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• (201): View more from New Jersey

  If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.

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• (316): View more from Kansas

  when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre

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• (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.

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• (210): View more from Texas

  I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink

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• (319): View more from Iowa

  he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"

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• (386): View more from Florida

  I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve

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• (919): View more from North Carolina

  I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.

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• (406): View more from Montana

  Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king

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• (910): View more from North Carolina

  They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.

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• (970): View more from Colorado

  he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.

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• (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!

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• (212): View more from New York

  He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.

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• (740): View more from Ohio

  All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.

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• (503): View more from Oregon

  Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.

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• (404): View more from Georgia

  The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.

  (404): View more from Georgia

  THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.

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