I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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