please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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