This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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