Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
