Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize