I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
