My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I need a beard to bite.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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