Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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