She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
