I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
