Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
soo... how was my night?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
