i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
