at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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