Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
