I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
