Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
