I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
