Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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