i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Randomize
