I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
