I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize