We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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