Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
