I'm eating all of the evidence.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
