we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
