You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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