you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
