Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
