They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I forget how to act sober
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize