peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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