who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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