i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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