I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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