Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
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