Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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