Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
