I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize