I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
