That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
