Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Can I color on your dick again?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
