I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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