eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
