Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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